Thinking Aloud: Living With Spiritual Depression

 

Still Brewing 

Philippians 1:6, 2 Corinthians 3:18, Romans 12:2, Hebrews 10:14, Colossians 3:10, 2 Peter 3:18

☕ Justified in CHRIST and continually being sanctified - we are still brewing! ☕

Still Brewing: Coffee #6

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Happy Thursday, friends! Today's blog will be very different; almost like me "thinking aloud" and sitting down over coffee (have to keep the theme) having a deep and real conversation with you. I think many of you reading this in someway shape or form have struggled with doubting their assurance of salvation and/or having spiritual depression. 

A few close people in my life (I know will also be reading this, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement and patience) know that for over six months, I have (vocalized) being in a constant spiritual depression and warfare that I just cannot seem to get free of. These six months however were years in the making. Satan knew my weak point, and all it took was some slow scratching at it throughout the years and one final push back in September of 2024 to throw me over the edge. 

I have always struggled with not being a missionary. I always had a weird legalistic thought that to "be truly a Christian" I would have to sell everything and go overseas to spread the gospel. But alas, this is quite literally not physically possible nor feasible for my life on many different levels. I always was content and joyful in the fact that the LORD created my life and physical body the exact way HE intended, so I could never understand why I always felt like I would never live the life I was supposed to. After all, if I was really a Christian, I would have to at least go overseas and share the gospel once in my life, right? 

Though no truly born-again believer would ever say that salvation is tied to physical service, it can seem that way. Constantly hearing I need to be more involved, serve more, go on short-term missions trips, go out and evangelize, be more spiritually disciplined; it all was slowly chipping away at my assurance in CHRIST.

I can try to rationally think that if someone were to get to know me and my situation, they might change some wording. But, for a perfectionist who wants to show love through acts of service, the "you need to do [blank] more" would never leave my mind after it was said. I would never forget that I was never living the "Christian standards" set by myself and others. Words that should be shaken off easily since most people don't know much of your life instead started to entirely take over my mind. It started to become such a sinful focus. 

Words as simple as, "are you going to serve for [blank]?" Or, "you need to praise GOD for that!" Started to send me spiraling. How could I call myself a Christian when I was not doing such things? Of course, over the time frame of recent years, I have been told much more harmful things which I will refrain from saying, but, my point here is that even everyday words I let eat away at my assurance in CHRIST. 

I was weak. I knew HIS Truth and believed it fully, but that doesn't mean you cannot be sent in a spiritual panic of your state. Outside of the spiraling moments, I could rationally see how legalistic my thoughts were; I knew I had to keep repenting and resting in JESUS' blood and righteousness alone. But, satan (I know this is grammatically not correct, but his name should be all lowercase since HIS Name needs to be all uppercase.) saw my weakness and slid right in.

I am a big bookworm and love to read. I read a lot of Christian books as well as fiction books. My weak point was attacked full-fledge through what was supposed to be an encouraging and convicting read in my walk with JESUS. I like to joke about that one book sent me into a spiritual depression that has never left me since, but in reality, it was just the last Jenga block pulled that sent the tower crashing. All the blocks came falling down, and any assurance I had shattered. For how in the world can you be a Christian without physically serving others, selling everything, and going overseas as a missionary? 

Sounds crazy legalistic and irrational doesn't it? That is because it is! Looking at it from a proper perspective through CHRIST and HIS Work on the cross, it is unimaginable that I, and others, can think they are not in CHRIST because of their own failing works. It is everything against what I believe and tell others. For it is insanely impossible to earn our salvation. I broke HIS perfect Law before I even have memory. We cannot even come close to a salvation through works. It is only possible in JESUS through HIS blood and righteousness. 

That is the loop with spiritual depression. It is the pull from the Truth you know in Scripture, to the lies of satan and your flesh telling you something completely irrational. For I look at many strong believers in my life who have never sold everything and became a missionary. I can perfectly say with confidence they are under CHRIST's wing and are living for HIM. About myself however, that was not the case. 

Everyday simple words spoken by others would trigger emotional spirals on the inside that no one would ever know. Every single talk or sermon on missionaries and the call to become one without fail would send me into deep depression and failure. I tore myself in half everyday. One half because I was saying I could be not a Christian since I have done no physical labor for CHRIST nor was pursuing means to go overseas; the other half because I knew this spiritual battle was absolutely ridiculous because it was no where near the Truth of my SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST who I love dearly. Thus leaving me confused, assurance depleted, and a constant spiritual weariness.

Talking with people in my life, getting fed by HIS Word, and still knowing the Truth I believe and am saved by, I can see outside of the moments it is very easy to recognize how crazy that mindset is. It still will always be a struggle to work through. But like I mentioned earlier, that book was only the final Jenga block, the root problem still continued to stand. My personality of perfectionism is a clear roadway to the sin of legalism. Days that I did not spend in HIS Word or prayer I would lie awake feeling like I had to fix my relationship with JESUS because I wasn't saved anymore! Sometimes I want to give myself a gentle slap across the face, I mean seriously! xD 

Growing your relationship with JESUS is so important. Being in HIS Word, in prayer, in praise, in service, in community, it is all so important and beautiful on this journey of life as HE sanctifies us. But this growing is not the saving. Only JESUS justifies us. Only HIS blood is sufficient, only HIS righteousness is perfect. 

I decided to share all this because none of this is past tense. It is a daily battle for me. Legalism is a constant repentance for me. Resting in HIS work on the cross is a reminder I need every day. I shed many needless tears for the work I cannot do. JESUS did it for me because I cannot do it. 

This blog came about because of two reasons. One, my daily battle of legalism. I had some thoughts from my Bible study with my dad this morning, but nothing from my own over the past few days. Because of this, I started studying trying to glean something else to write about. Hence being convicted of my legalism and improper time in the Word. (Instead of reading and studying to grow closer to JESUS, know HIM more, and worship HIM, it was to find a note to add to my life and share.) And two, after over six months, I am finally on a journey to really start healing from this spiritual depression. I am actively trying to repent from some long-seeded legalism, as well as read books that can encourage my walk with CHRIST rather than hinder and hurt it.

JESUS designed my life perfectly. Meaning HE made my physical limitations for a reason. Just because I cannot physically serve or go on mission trips like I would love to do, does not mean I am not a Christian or cannot serve and love HIM and HIS people. Today I read half of Impossible Christianity by Kevin DeYoung and it has been such an encouragement. (If you are not a reader, the audiobook is included on Spotify premium) I have a couple other encouraging reads on my TBR to help. Obviously, HIS Word is and will always be the only healing, and it continues to be sweet to my weary soul, but HE does use HIS children to encourage others on this journey as well! 

I hope that this more serious and lengthy coffee chat can be of encouragement to you. I feel like all these words I just have to keep preaching to myself (we should remind ourselves of the Gospel everyday!), but I pray that they can be of an encouragement to your weary heart as well. 

LORD willing I look forward to talking about JESUS together again for our next coffee chat!

- Sabina